


baby i'm so lonely

by xStarlight



Series: vent writing [3]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Blood, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Loneliness, M/M, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, graphic description of a panic attack?, legit just one this time, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-18 16:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21930439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xStarlight/pseuds/xStarlight
Summary: loneliness does not disappear ever.
Relationships: Kim Heechul/Park Jungsoo | Leeteuk
Series: vent writing [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1443976
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	baby i'm so lonely

**Author's Note:**

> read tags for trigger warnings.
> 
> another fic based off loneliness? is that your personality trait at this point? lol sorry have to clown myself before i get sad. yes this title is from jonghyun's lonely. it's actually one of the songs i put on repeat before that day. it's still on repeat now. the words have not lost their meaning. thank you for this masterpiece, jonghyun.
> 
> happy holidays. i've been writing this one shot for a while now, but some things just never felt right, and i kept changing it up every time i opened the doc. nevertheless, here she is. she works as a standalone, but there might be a couple references laced with the other works in this series.

loneliness does not disappear ever.

it seeps deep inside of you when you think you’re on top of the world, and you’ve got everything in the world. and then it takes over. even being surrounded by people constantly, you’d think that the gnawing numbing pain of loneliness would disappear. you think your problems can’t weigh you down like it used to. but instead, it aggravates you until you’re convinced of your demons and it grips you tightly on your chest so you are left breathless. and most importantly and fatally, it takes away the living being inside of you.

he remembers when the feeling of loneliness began to frequent. maybe the moment in elementary school when he felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, not even in his own friend groups. maybe when he struggled to keep himself together throughout the rest of grade school. maybe when he joined sm and felt like he fell further and further behind, and kept chasing a dream that seemed impossible. when he didn’t have that many friends. when members of the group he’s in starts to leave him behind. when they start leaving temporarily.

he tells himself to shut up, that he should be used to this anyways. 

no one will stick around forever.

and even if they did stick around, who would want to be around the ever so lonely and ever so negative and ever so sad jungsoo?

* * *

they became nine.

a much fuller group of super junior than jungsoo has known in the last several years of being active. years of sending his closest people, the ones he regards as family, to the military. and in one case, he had to wave goodbye permanently. 

they begin rehearsing for the super shows again. begin preparations for their long awaited and anticipated comeback as a full group. begin rebuilding what they all had before the decade of military services caught up to the group. 

jungsoo wants to say he’s having fun. and in a truth, he is having fun. his members keep the atmosphere of the practice rooms light, despite knowing they had to get work done. donghae and hyukjae are always clowning, and sometimes siwon and jongwoon join them. heechul comes in to watch his members rehearse, and teases them as well. kyuhyun and ryeowook both keep up their evil sides with their hyungs, but are ever so sweet. donghee is always lightening the mood with his antics.

but where does that leave jungsoo? in his opinion, he feels like he’s struggling to catch up again. he laughs at the jokes his members make, he giggles at stupid antics, but he himself doesn’t contribute anything fun to the group. 

he watches his members group up with other members, talking and laughing and doing idiotic things, but he doesn’t make an effort to join any group. he doesn’t make an effort to make his members laugh, but is more comfortable basking in the fact that they were whole again. in return, the members don’t invite him out, don’t interact that much with him. they pass it off as him being a little crazy, and as something that’s odd but normal for him.

and perhaps this ideology has put him in a sense of loneliness. that he, park jungsoo, does not belong in any other social group. that even though his members are right there, he is alone and will always be alone. that his members didn’t need him, that his members thought he was a burden….

his thoughts run wild.

hyukjae claps his hands, and super junior resumes dance practice once more.

* * *

jungsoo trudges back home in the cold. 

he forgot to grab another sweater from his apartment before leaving, and he wanted to walk home tonight to give himself a peace of mind before starting anew tomorrow. but really, he also doesn’t want to hang around his members more than he has to. 

tonight, the rest of super junior were going to the nearby bar to drink. a bit of celebration before they really go hard for their ninth album. celebrating kyuhyun’s return (not like they haven’t yet), and also the fact that they get to release another album. jungsoo, being a lightweight but also not in a particular mood to drink, declined the invitation.

thus, that is why he is walking on the sidewalks home.

what are you so scared of, his demons scream. are you scared of being left behind? being the one who drags the group down? being the person who can’t be there emotionally at all?

jungsoo clutches the ends of his shirt and balls them into a fist. he doesn’t want to dwell on the growing tension of negative emotions, swirling inside of him. but it’s biting him, just like the cold bitter air. it’s nasty, the way it fills him up and leaves him unable to breathe, and fights for a way out like an ugly cough. 

don’t dwell, don’t dwell. he has to consciously stop himself, has to be the mantra.

but he can’t help the bitter feeling inside of him that no one looked out for him, no one followed him, no one can see the signs, even though members should know. he says should know, because this isn’t the first time, isn’t the last, but it’s a regular occurrence in his life that he gets upset over little things. they build up over time too, the monster inside of him only grows until it’s too big to fit inside of jungsoo’s body and then the whole thing undoes itself until it’s an ugly pile of vomit on the floor.

speaking of vomit, jungsoo finds himself with his knees on the sidewalk, panting. he blinks a couple times, coming to reality. the vomit was really dry heaving on the sidewalk ground, and there isn’t any snow to cover it. 

tragic, jungsoo thinks. just have to move forward. 

he collects himself and continues to walk back, remembering nothing of the walk home by the time he’s in front of his apartment building again.

* * *

another tick on the clock. 

jungsoo is too busy scrolling through his name on the internet to care about his sleep. he’s quite distracted by the number of articles about him, the number of times his name appears on social media, the number of times he goes on live television. although there are many rave reviews about him, there are just as many - if not more - atrocious comments about him. about his size, his face, the way he talks, his attention seeking self -

he thinks about the number of times super junior has referenced his attention seeking needs, all during variety shows. but sometimes it doesn’t stop there, but makes it to the van, makes it to the dorm, makes its way into the kakao group chat. jungsoo has said nothing about it - because it’s true - but the name stings a bit.

the way the members laugh it off, and then don’t respond in the group chat when jungsoo is particularly venting in heartbreaking and body numbing pain, jungsoo knows none of them are taking it seriously. knows that no matter how many times he can go into an interview and joking say he’s lonely, no one can fix his loneliness.

like he was destined to be lonely, forever and ever alone, all his life.

a teardrop escapes his left eye, and jungsoo hastens to wipe it away. he can’t cry, idols don’t cry, especially not him. a man cannot cry either, because he has to be brave, he has to be strong.

so why was he so weak willed and fatigued?

jungsoo feels an impending migraine come about him, and he dips into a mere nap to escape the growing pain in his head.

* * *

he meets up with inyoung one day, shimkoong in hand, his plaid bag in the other.

“noona, thanks for caring for her on such short notice. i forgot there was filming today for our variety show.” jungsoo manages to flash an apologetic smile. “here’s her stuff, as per usual.”

inyoung wraps her baby brother in a hug, causing him to flinch at the sudden physical touch. “it’s no problem at all, jungsoo-yah!”

she picks up shimkoong with her left hand, peppering the dog in kisses. shimkoong yips in delight, and jungsoo frowns slightly at the display of affection.

_ she isn’t that affectionate with me anymore… _

but he doesn’t dwell on the thought, because his manager is waving him back to the car. he’s saying something about how he’ll be late to his recording if he doesn’t get a move on right now. 

“thanks again noona! i owe you one!” jungsoo waves goodbye to his older sister, and heads back to the car.

* * *

by the time jungsoo makes it to the recording studio for hidden camera, all the other members are there. donghae and hyukjae are already fooling around, siwon is in the corner watching them. jongwoon is with his stylist and on his phone, searching through naver. ryeowook is messing around with donghee, and kyuhyun is playing games on his phone idly. jungsoo feels like he walked into chaos, but then again, this was a normal super junior waiting room.

jungsoo sits in front of one of the mirrors. instantly a stylist comes over to work on his face. 

“ah teukie-yah,” one of the stylists nag, “your eyebags are showing again. did you even sleep last night?” her face is full of concern, but she applies foundation and concealer anyways. part of the job. 

jungsoo laughs. “of course i did, just probably didn’t sleep that well. you know, when you age well, your sleep declines. i feel full of energy at this old age!” he crinkles up his eyes, hoping the stylist noona wouldn’t see the amount of exhaustion he felt when saying those words.

“ah of course, it’s just an old man thing,” she laughs along. the stylist knows very well how much jungsoo likes to joke about his age, even if he is only turning 38 soon. “i’ll be sure to gift you root repair dye soon to fix your graying hairs.”

siwon comes over to wrap his arms around jungsoo, right around his neck. “hi hyung,” he greets. “did your hair get darker since the last time i saw you?”

jungsoo frowns, but waves it off. “no, it’s probably the light or your aging eyes. i haven’t been to the hair shop in a couple weeks.” 

“oh really?” siwon muses. how else could a hair color dull so fast? shampoo? conditioner? or perhaps...stress? was his hyung okay? “should i book a hair appointment for you soon?” 

jungsoo shakes his head. “no it won’t be necessary. i overheard the staff wanting me to go back to a darker color anyways. i might take them up on their offer.” 

siwon seems to buy this lie, and so did his stylist. “okay hyung, just let me know if you need anything.” 

he seemed to want to talk more, jungsoo notes the worry lines etched on his face. he knows how to pick up on others’ feelings and thoughts easily. but before siwon can ask another question, he was hit on the head by a toy airplane. ryeowook laughs and apologizes, but then siwon leaves to terrorize the maknae a bit. 

the thoughts swirl around his head again. is he really worth anything if his own dongsaengs don’t stay near him? is he so fragile that not even the ones closest to him want to talk to him? do they not like him anymore? are they finally kicking him out of super junior? are they finally coming clean about them only barely tolerating his leadership and existence in the band? 

but then they merge to siwon. siwon, strong siwon who does anything and everything that is asked of him and more. who colors super junior in sapphire blue and radiant orange that is like a sunset, that offers comfort and a home. siwon who stands tall for him and anyone he considers close to him when they cannot anymore. silent, strong siwon. he’d be a good leader for super junior, but has too much on his plate for any good. also takes on a maknae like personality in the group, no matter how mature he is. he’s a child. 

a child with a home, unlike himself.

“oppa, your face is done being beaten. do you need some water?” his stylist asks. 

jungsoo shakes his head, but opts to sleep instead for the next half hour. after all, old men lose their energy pretty darn fast.

* * *

he gets the stampede of questions in his head every time he sees someone walk out of the room, or even anywhere out of his sight. he wonders if he’s going a little crazy.

why did jongwoon just leave you in the recording studio alone with the producer? why did he throw down the headphones at the end? is he okay? is he frustrated? no, he’s had a decent singing session, it’s probably just me being here watching him that pisses him off. it’s my fault for being here. 

and then why did no one volunteer to help me carry some stuff out of the manager’s car? our staff can’t do it because their arms are already so full, and i feel bad for walking into the studio, knowing they are doing the heavylifting today. i asked for help, but not even donghee came out to help the staff. my arms are sore...but wait, when i came back, all of them were grouped in a room and talking so lowly….it’s about me isn’t it? they’re deciding how to kick me out right?

jungsoo draws mini circles into the soft serta bed mattress, reminiscing of all the times that he watched with his own two eyes his members leaving him behind. 

leaving him behind. that one hit heavy.

jungsoo knows that he’s the black sheep of the group. he’s seen his own name searches, he’s seen what his fans have said about him. his vocals, although they appear a lot on the recent album, are nowhere as clear as ryeowook’s, not as wide and beautiful as kyuhyun’s, and currently not as emotional as jongwoon’s. hell, his vocals sound like a nasal recorder and he hates it. he can’t stand to listen to himself most of the time, not after recordings. his rap in game? even worse - how did the producers let him rap in game? jungsoo doesn’t understand why the producers chose him, wanted him, over real rappers like donghee and hyukjae. even kyuhyun is a better pick.

not just his vocals. his mcing skills are pure minimal, he only opens his mouth and talks too much, wants too much attention. he tries too hard to be funny, tries too hard to make others laugh, tries too hard to make himself likable and appealing to others so that he lands another fixed job. although it’s been years since jungsoo has had the feeling of a rookie, he can’t help it but to revert back. if his group doesn’t even need or want him, where will he go in the industry? no one wants someone who will burn out like a light in a second.

he doesn’t have much to offer anyways. his face isn’t that pretty - not anymore too. there are obvious wrinkles on his face, around his eyes, around his nose, around his mouth. he feels the scrunched up skin on his forehead, where all the stress lines were. his gray hairs keep growing back, no matter what happens to them. jungsoo supposes he’s been to the salon twice in the past week just to touch up on them. running a hand through his hair, jungsoo knows it’s super greasy - because he hasn’t bothered to shower in a while, but to collapse in bed and shower himself in that blackberry cologne every day.

his heartbeat speeds up, thinking of every incident that caused him to feel down or sad. jungsoo feels like he’s in a spiral, and it does not end ever. he feels like he’s tumbling down in that spiral, drowns under the rings of thoughts and the circles revolving around him. he can’t breathe, he can’t touch anything, he can’t feel anything, what can he hang onto to stop this endless spiral? all he knows is that he might die, die from a heart attack - but wouldn’t that be nice, to end this pain?

he extends his arm around him, waving it around like a madman. but he can’t feel himself moving his arm, and it only hits air around him. he doesn’t hear the lamp falling over, doesn’t hear the other things in his room crashing to the ground, but only feels nothing to cling onto in his spiral. he doesn’t even hear the windowpane shattering into pieces on the ground as the lamp hits it, and as the lamp falls through the window. 

the first thing jungsoo feels is the hard landing on the ground when he falls out of bed during his panic induced breakdown. oof, he thinks, knowing he landed on hard surface. but all the same, it does not bring him out of it. he hears the ringing in his ears, but is still blind to everything around him. still a spiral to him, all in black and white, just this time with alarm clock ringing in his ears. he does not register his hands feeling the floor (and getting glass shards all over his hands and arms) for a way to get up (but how do you get up in a tunnel). the pain doesn’t connect to his head at all. 

eventually, jungsoo stops flailing around on the side of his bed, covered in glass. he still doesn’t feel the pain, but is eventually coming back to his senses. as soon as his eyesight comes back though, the numbness in his body sets. no pain yet though. 

funny, he thinks, how did none of this mess alert anyone?

jungsoo feels numb. numb to the freezing cold outside his apartment, in the brisk korean air. he is numb to his own heartbeat, still trying to beat at a normal pace. numb to the hunger in his stomach, numb to the emotions crawling through his soul, numb to the pain up and down his body, arms, and hands. he doesn’t even know he’s bleeding fresh red blood all over his white carpet. 

he gets too tired to even think straight, the only thought registering is how much he needs to sleep, to rest right now. he needs to be awake in about two hours, he estimates, for a photoshoot for hong kong. he has to take a flight there, but his manager will help them get there.

if any of this is even okay for a photoshoot.

he closes his eyes, but wonders if it’s easier to throw himself out the glass shattered window. 

* * *

his eyes are forced open when his manager prys them open with his thumb and index finger. jungsoo grunts out some sort of noise, clearly disgruntled by the force of being awake. the sunlight was beaming too much into the room, it was too early in the morning for his liking, he hates being woken up, and he feels a stabbing pain all over his body.

but before he can open his mouth to complain about his early morning schedules, he sees his manager say something. his mouth moves. but jungsoo can’t hear what he’s saying. he’s too tired to decipher what is going on around him.

and so he slumbers again.

* * *

the next time he wakes up, it’s early evening. the white curtains in his room are parted open slightly, just enough for jungsoo to see the setting seoul sun beyond the tall buildings in the distance. the oranges melt into the sky with the blue hues, and jungsoo knows nightfall is coming soon.

he half remembers what happened last night, but does not try in any way to force him to remember the details. the pain would prick him more than the iv needle in his bandaged hand right now. and in no way does jungsoo want to be in more stabbing pain like pine needles and iv needles right now. 

thus, jungsoo does not move an inch from his resting place. 

the nurse had propped him up slightly in his sleep, just enough that he was almost slouching in bed. from there, jungsoo could see that numerous parts of his body were covered in bandages, some thicker than others. he feels the discomfort underneath the bandages, and assumes he was stitched up that morning. it pricks at his skin. 

guilt floods his senses. he ponders, how long has it been? he wonders how much of a burden he is to his members, to his manager who most likely got him here, to his family still, to his fans. they would all be disappointed to know that he couldn’t control himself to avoid this. they probably know he’s unstable again with no grip on life, that his thoughts are monstrous, that he feels isolated on a cold little island, far away from everyone -

“don’t you look pitiful,” a voice calls. 

jungsoo grounds himself again, biting the inside of his mouth. needs the pain to flood his senses now. he doesn’t respond, chooses not to. what words does he even have to say? 

“jungsoo,” the voice begins, and heechul grips jungsoo’s jaw, turning his whole head towards him. “i know you’re not deaf, nor are you asleep.” 

“wasn’t trying to,” jungsoo whispers. his throat is dry, parched of water.

“you look so damn miserable in this place,” heechul says, pulling up a chair to the edge of jungsoo’s bed. “quit it. it’s not a suitable look for you.” 

radio silence. jungsoo can’t help it. there’s nothing inside of him that screams sunshine and rainbows or any semblance to happiness. or even just borderline decent. heechul notices how jungsoo doesn’t answer, notices how he favors biting the inside of his cheek instead of responding to anything. 

ah, he thinks, it's settled again, hasn't it?

heechul abruptly stands up, making enough of a noise to alert jungsoo. his eyes travel up to heechul’s. “these chairs suck for my leg. scooch over, let me have some comfort in sitting.” 

jungsoo blinks, but scoots carefully to his left, making room for his same aged friend. heechul speculates for a moment, and then proceeds to lie down next to him. 

“much better,” heechul says with a triumphant smile. “it feels like the old days, doesn’t it?” 

“in what way?” jungsoo asks, not quite recalling what he’s talking about.

“in 2007, when you were here from the accident. although it was a while until i could be in the same bed as you,” heechul gives a laugh, “or that time a while ago when we all as a group had to sit you down and slow you down. or the time when you were here after hurting yourself. or - “

jungsoo finds himself letting out a small laugh. after all, heechul is right - but when is he not? “okay, you have given your points. we do this sometimes.” 

“sometimes becomes very frequently,” heechul says, and jungsoo hears the bit of sadness in his voice. “why do you choose to destroy yourself instead of talking to us?” he looks straight into his eyes when he asks the question, ensuring that jungsoo knows he has to answer. 

jungsoo flinches, averting his eyes. he hates confrontation, hates the stares, the questions in the end. he hates this part when his members wonder if he trusts them. he does, just not like this intimately sometimes. “because what other answer do i have.” he finally answers, mulling over the answer for quite some time. 

heechul opens his mouth, possibly to retort, but jungsoo keeps going. he doesn’t need a pep talk or a speech or anything from heechul right now. or ever. not from his members either. he knows whatever he tells heechul, he’ll pass it down to the younger ones. so, he chooses his words carefully. 

“what other answer do i have,” jungsoo begins, swallowing what bit of pride and dignity he has left inside of him, “when i’ve already asked myself that same question. but it’s not like you care, not like anyone in our group cares enough to know.” jungsoo’s voice drops in decibel level with his last sentence.

“it’s not like that,” heechul interrupts. “any of us would have made time for you. because believe it or not, park jungsoo, but we care a shit ton about you. a lot more than you realize, or a lot more than you want to believe.” heechul knows he’s getting slightly aggravated, but jungsoo is someone who is very reserved, especially about his thoughts, and since they keep finding themselves in situations that are perfectly avoidable had other events happened, heechul doesn’t want to hold back. “i don’t know who or what’s been telling you that we wouldn’t give two shits, but for you, we would kill the world.” 

jungsoo stares out the window. “it’s not any of you. i just thought - “

“thought what? that our schedules were too busy for you? thought with more work, you can easily hide this? jungsoo,” heechul’s voice softens, “we’ve noticed you were a little quieter recently. and yes, we’ve had our personal busy schedules too, but we’ve been together for how long? we know you well enough that we know when you aren’t mentally there with us. and you haven’t been for a while.”

jungsoo is silent. he thought the odd stares from members he caught on occasion were glances of him being crazy, a little more insane in the group. he’s been elected as one of the three craziest members in super junior. so, the reality is….

they cared?

heechul gently wipes at jungsoo’s eyes, dabbing away the salty tears that roll down his cheeks. jungsoo barely recognizes them. he kisses his cheek when another tear rolls down, catching the salty water with his lips.

“i know you’ve been struggling, angel. we’re here, we’ll be with you, and we’ll guide you back to the light.” 

* * *

jungsoo is discharged the next day. heechul forbade any of the other members of super junior from coming by and interrupting their time, or as he puts it, much needed lovers’ time.

since there’s a ton of broken glass and other stuff in jungsoo’s apartment currently, and with no ability to fix it in all of the bandages, jungsoo is forced to relocate for the meantime to the dorm. the other members are out on a schedule, which is perfect for the two men to have some alone time before the others are finished, and before they all trample back into the old dorm to see their leader.

jungsoo was about to doze off after taking his blood replacement medicines when the door to the dorm bursts open. shocked by the noise, he peers over to see who came home. there he sees, with the widest smiles in the universe (he thinks), and blankets, snacks, and pamper items in hands, the rest of super junior crowding the entrance. 

they immediately catch sight of jungsoo lying on the couch (or hogging, in kyuhyun’s words), and proceed to come inside to spoil their leader in warm hugs, well wishes, and tender kisses (on the forehead). ryeowook sticks a movie onto the living room tv, and donghee prepares the evening snacks for the group, while the rest cuddle close to jungsoo. no words are needed to be said in order for him to know what they are all thinking and feeling. 

for him, this is more than enough from his family to begin overcoming his loneliness.

**Author's Note:**

> i actually never envisioned making it to 2020 but since it might be reality soon, i'd like to say a few words.
> 
> thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last year. i revisited writing to let out some emotions that i've been holding within me for a while, and i am grateful for readers who understand and feel the emotions with me. every time i write, jungsoo is always me. these are my feelings. just needed some validation. as usual.
> 
> and a very big thank you to those closest to me, who have sat with me through my super lows and worked with me to at least get out of the super low. i'm sorry for being a burden. i'm sorry for being annoying. thank you for staying with me regardless. i know i haven't been truly happy for a while.
> 
> see you all in 2020.


End file.
